It’s been a while since I’ve been here. I’ve done some really stupid things these past couple of weeks, but today’s a new day. A day to start over completely. My first full day of being 20. And I’m determined to make it great.

  This past weekend, my family and friends threw my brother and me a huge surprise birthday party. It was freaking amazing, and I honestly still can’t get over all that secret-keeping. That definitely took some skill. Christian and I have never had a surprise party before, so it was really great. It reminded me of the truly awesome people we’re surrounded by every day, and just how much they love us. I don’t know why I ever doubt that.

  But back to 20… I wanna make these next years of my life great. Something to be proud of. My teenage years were full of angst, emotional highs and lows, tons of regret, too much pain, and too many complications—most of which I could’ve prevented, if I’d only thought things out before acting on my impulses. Now that I’m 20 (which I know is still really young, but who really gives a frick?) I wanna put all that in the past and start over. I can still do whatever I want with my life. There’s nothing stopping me. So I’ve gotta quit stopping myself. That’s my new commitment.

  I haven’t shut my bedroom door once since the night you cut me off from the rest of the world. We burned the bed as soon as they would let us, but it didn’t burn away the memories.  

  The sound of rain drumming against my window will forever remind me of the storm that drowned my voice. 

  The smell of alcohol, and the taste of whiskey, will only make me think of you. 

  Most nights I can still feel your weight on top of me, gripping my wrists like iron as your mouth pressed against mine.

  Your scars, your bloodshot eyes…  

  You promised that you loved me still, you asked if I felt the same as I used to when I was little. But you knew my answer was a lie. Prove it then. The way you used to.

  You knew I could only fake it for so long. Eventually, everyone breaks. You knew I wasn’t strong enough. It was exactly how you’d planned it.

  I wish I could take it all back. I wish I would’ve defied you instead of satisfying your thirst. I betrayed my own soul that night, and for that I will never forgive myself.

  Which is why I’m here for the thousandth time, musing over the same words that run through my mind every day. 

(via onetwistedpixie)

  “Another loose cannon gone bi-polar, slipped down, couldn’t get much lower.

  Quicksand’s got no sense of humor. I’m still laughing like hell.

  You think that by crying to me, looking so sorry,

  that I’m gonna believe you’ve been infected by a social disease.

  Well then, take your medicine…

  I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain.

  Somehow I’m still here to explain

  that the darkest hour never comes in the night.

  You can sleep with a gun, when you gonna wake up and fight for yourself?”

  They’ll tell you that no one will blame you, that it wasn’t your fault, that you couldn’t have changed the course of things. But what they won’t tell you is, people damn you every day with their thoughtless words, their frivolous and ignorant gestures. Their judgment will cut through what’s left of you, leaving you to bleed it out—just in case there was a fragment that still needed destroying.

  People are the only monsters you need ever be afraid of. 

I’d give anything to learn how to turn it off…how to make your voice stop.  But I’ll never be strong enough. My only prayer is that no one will ever have to understand what I’m feeling right now.